mind boggling... T_T

This is an actual writing of mine... from my actual notebook...

it hurts, what you’re doing, who ever said i do not care? Well I guess you don’t really know me that much do you? That’s my excuse. What’s yours'??? have I failed you? Of course I have. I have failed everyone on my acts. That seems to be the problem isn't it? You guys only see my failures and yet you don't really acknowledge ME. You set standards upon me that I’m not even aware of; you expect things from me that I don't even expect for myself. And yet you see through my blind spots. You guys have never failed to judge me, but to me you judge me wrong. I do expect things from you guys as well, I doubt you on that, yes. But do you actually here things from me?? If you do I’m sure it was to the extent that we both couldn't stand it. Why is that you ask? That I’m sure of it? Maybe because I have been keeping the burden of you not meeting my expectations to myself. Martyr? No. I’m not, I think. On this mind boggling situation I stand to say that, I can not be what you want me to be. I ought not to be some extravagant friend who would meet all your standards and expectations but I AM ME that's all I’ve got. do not accuse me of not caring because you don't know what troubles my mind, or even what runs in it. ONLY GOD KNOWS. you guys never reached out on me or I just don't feel you do so. have you considered me having to reach out to you guys even if you shove me away.? Or you just don't feel me as well? If that's what makes you happy... seeing me lonesome. Well I don't know. Do not expect a thing from me. But may I ask. why are you like that? why do you hate me so much? Am I that stubborn of a friend or I’m loosing track? Then why don't you tell me? I don't like mind games anymore. but if you do... i'll undoubtfully raise my white flag or you could play by yourself. hope you're really happy though. maybe I was so wrong. Right? Oh well it won't work anyway. you have already reached your decision. YOU GUYS HATE ME. hurtful yet again. But this time I don't know how to reach out. Especially if you don't want me to. maybe you'll see my trying maybe you won't, maybe you'll see me standing but deep inside I’ve already fallen. I let my guards down. I did not expect... I trusted. Oh yeah! have seen that? No. you didn't, you were busy drawing out your conclusions. expectant of an unexpected. Don’t bother much so you won’t be bothered. If this is all wrong please do tell. Ahh... or you'd rather find me as an clumsy laugh trip act that'd drive you insane of having fun. Nice. Sorry I think so cruelly, it's because this is just how I feel... this is my side. I suppose you're done with yours??? just the result of lack of communication. do you agree?? have I been able to react as you wanted? Or still not enough???